How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style as an Adult

What is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains the way our early relationships with caregivers influence our emotional bonds and relationships throughout our lives. These early experiences create an "attachment style"—a pattern of behavior that shapes how we interact with others in intimate relationships.

There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure attachment – People with this style are comfortable with intimacy, trust others, and have healthy emotional boundaries.

2. Anxious attachment – These individuals often fear abandonment and can become overly dependent or clingy in relationships.

3. Avoidant attachment – Those with this style may struggle with intimacy, often valuing independence to the point of emotional detachment.

4. Disorganized attachment – This style is marked by confusion and fear in relationships, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

A secure attachment style is associated with healthier, more fulfilling relationships. If your attachment style is anxious, avoidant, or disorganized, the good news is that it’s possible to develop a secure attachment style as an adult, regardless of your past experiences.

How to Develop a Secure Attachment Style

1. Understand Your Current Attachment Style

The first step in developing a secure attachment style is understanding where you are now. Take time to reflect on your past relationships and current behaviors:

• Do you struggle with trust?

• Are you overly dependent or distant in relationships?

• Do you fear rejection or abandonment?

• Are you able to communicate your needs openly and healthily?

Identifying your attachment style can offer insight into why you may react in certain ways and help you determine which patterns to change.

2. Heal from Past Relationships

To build a secure attachment style, it’s important to process any unresolved emotional pain from past relationships—whether it’s childhood trauma, toxic relationships, or abandonment. Healing from past wounds can help you let go of old defense mechanisms and allow you to approach relationships with an open heart.

Therapy is an excellent way to address these issues and work through the impact they’ve had on your attachment patterns. Techniques like EMDR and somatic therapy can also help release emotional blocks tied to past trauma.

3. Build Healthy Boundaries

A secure attachment style involves maintaining a healthy sense of self while still connecting deeply with others. Setting clear boundaries—both emotional and physical—is essential for healthy relationships.

When you have secure boundaries, you can communicate your needs openly without fear of rejection, and you can allow your partner to do the same without feeling threatened. Boundaries help create space for trust, respect, and emotional safety.

4. Foster Emotional Awareness and Regulation

One hallmark of a secure attachment style is the ability to regulate emotions and handle conflict constructively. People with secure attachment styles are comfortable expressing their feelings without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.

Developing emotional awareness involves tuning into your feelings, identifying what triggers emotional reactions, and practicing self-regulation techniques like deep breathing, mindfulness, or journaling. These tools help you respond thoughtfully rather than react impulsively, which is key in building secure, stable relationships.

5. Build Trust Gradually

Trust is essential for a secure attachment style, but it’s built over time. If you’ve struggled with trust in the past, start small by opening up to others and observing how they respond. Trust grows when you see that people are reliable, consistent, and respectful of your boundaries.

In relationships, it’s important to be patient with yourself and others as trust is built. Trusting someone doesn’t mean giving up your own sense of independence—it’s about finding a balance between connection and personal autonomy.

6. Practice Vulnerability and Open Communication

People with secure attachment styles feel safe enough to be vulnerable and communicate their needs clearly. Vulnerability involves sharing your feelings, desires, and fears without the fear of judgment or rejection.

Being vulnerable allows others to connect with you on a deeper level, and open communication fosters understanding and trust. Practice being honest and transparent in your relationships, and encourage others to do the same.

7. Seek Support and Therapy

Developing a secure attachment style may take time, especially if past experiences have shaped your behaviors. Therapy can be a valuable resource in this process, as a therapist can help you explore your attachment history, identify patterns, and create strategies for change.

Working with a therapist who specializes in attachment can help you develop a more secure way of relating to others, which ultimately leads to healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

How We Can Help at Blackbird Mental Health

Developing a secure attachment style is a transformative journey, and we’re here to support you. At Blackbird Mental Health, we offer trauma-informed therapy that helps you heal from past experiences, build emotional awareness, and develop healthier relationships.

If you’re ready to explore your attachment style and work toward more secure, fulfilling connections, we’re here to guide you. Reach out today to begin your healing journey and take the first step toward emotional security and healthier relationships.